


Tragic Turn

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Mass Effect 3, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-01 03:35:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8605723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: Shepard struggles to get to the Citadel, open the arms of the station, and activate the Crucible. Things are not made any easier when she and the love of her life pay a high price to end the reaper war. (AU where Kaidan Alenko replaces David Anderson in the end)





	1. Part 1

She felt nothing but the pounding of her footsteps across the rough, broken terrain.

She smelled nothing but the smoke and spilled fuel and ruin all around her.

She tasted nothing but the metallic tinge of blood on her tongue.

She saw nothing but the blinding brightness of that beam.

Shepard pressed on, knowing these were the steps to her doom. It was going to be final this time around, she supposed, but it didn’t matter. She felt strangely comfortable with the tumultuous, chaotic second chance she’d had at life. After trying to tie up loose ends and mend relationships where she could, she felt content knowing that her friends and loved ones understood how much she cared and would continue to do so from… well, wherever she went after all this. It wasn’t so bad to go down trying to save humanity, after all. Heck, she might even succeed.

All of those thoughts, all of her hopes, and all of her focus shattered the moment she glanced up and saw the all-too-familiar red beam bearing down on her from the reaper looming above.

This was it.

She wasn’t going to make it.

Failure.

A voice drifted from somewhere to cut through the haze of her mind. For a moment, Shepard thought she’d already died, but all at once, when she felt her nerves screaming and her head pounding, she realized that she wasn’t quite there yet. Close, but not there yet. Instinctively, her hand twitched, reaching for the gun she’d brandished what seemed like ages ago. Even though it felt like years of battle, torture, and pain had crashed down upon her all in a second, she recognized that she was alive, only a few seconds had passed, and there was still a job to be finished. She wouldn’t let that distressed voice be right. There was still hope. They hadn’t failed. Not yet.

Shepard pushed herself up, shocked at the agony that immediately washed across her every nerve. Her armor was essentially gone, vaporized from her body, as far as she could tell. She clutched that pistol tightly, as if it was the only thing that was going to get her through this. It was familiar. It was safe. Other soldiers twitched and crawled as she began to trudge forward, though it was too late to help any of them. She knew it and they knew it, given the look in their eyes as they succumbed to their injuries.

True fear clutched at her chest as husks scrambled from around debris and piles of bodies nearby. Her arm felt like a lead weight as she slowly took aim and fired, feeling their every clumsy step forward like an icy stab of terror in her heart. This was not how Commander Shepard would die. She refused to become a victim of husks, but the threat was so real and possible that her breathing became shaky. Her aim faltered.

There was a huge, painful sigh of relief when she was able to lower her gun once more, watching the final husk crumple just in front of her. She’d taken far more shots than would have been considered acceptable at this point in her career, but there was no one around to mock her for it, thankfully. There was no one around.

That horrifying thought was punctuated rather painfully when she took an unhindered blow from a marauder. She could barely register where the shot had come from, but the more agonizing thoughts were of the people who weren’t there. The ones who had always helped and protected her, even when she felt like she hadn’t needed it. Garrus would have seen and shot that thing dead from a block away. Tali would have blown it from here to the next town over. Liara would have flung it halfway across the galaxy. Kaidan… Kaidan would have taken the blow himself if he’d been unable to do anything else. Where were they? Were they okay?

Shepard’s mouth went dry at the crippling loneliness she was feeling, which at the moment was far more poignant than the alarming pressure spreading across the side of her torso. She hauled the pistol up again and fired until she noticed the dark figure in her tear-blurred vision lean and tumble aside. Her free hand drifted down, keeping hold of the area where she’d known she’d taken the hit. If she could keep pressure on it for now, she’d have just enough life left in her to finish this.

Her pained shuffling quickened sharply, knowing she was so close to her goal. Shepard had been through some pretty remarkable trials in her time, but nothing felt quite like this. She wondered for a moment, if she could even survive what the beam might do to her poor, battered, body. The Mako wasn’t here to protect her this time. Her thoughts drifted to Ilos and how she’d managed to return to the Citadel using a similar beam so very long ago. There was really no telling what might happen. Still, she leaned forward and tipped her body straight into it, knowing she had no other options. Light and weightlessness and wind consumed her senses before it all went black.

_____

“Shepard.”

She felt her body jolt.

“Shepard!”

Pain washed over her once more, but she lifted her head at the sound. That voice. She was relieved and terrified to hear it. Was he in trouble? Was he okay? Did he need her help?

“Kaidan?” The name fell from her lips with a cough and a wheeze, and suddenly she knew time was going to be of the essence. “Are you up here, too?”

“I followed you up,” he answered with no small hint of relief in his tone. She slowly dragged herself up and off of the floor, recognizing that he was trying to speak quietly. Neither of them really recognized this place now, and in all likelihood, they had to be very, very careful. “We didn’t come out in the same place, or, at least I don’t think we did. What’s it look like around you?”

As Shepard’s eyes readjusted to the dim lighting, a stunning juxtaposition from the beam that had just deposited her here, she began to realize the origin of the smell that had assaulted her senses when she awoke. She wanted to vomit at the grim sight before her, dozens and dozens of human bodies, tossed aside and in piles as far as she could see. Slowly, she realized that she’d just taken a trip that was never meant for a living being. It was a transport system for the dead. A quick series of images of the Collector base flashed through her mind, and she felt an overwhelming urge to get out before she was at risk of being liquefied and turned into a reaper. She took a step and tried to stifle the cry that took even her by surprise. She was not in any sort of fighting condition.

“Hey…” Nothing ever really got past Kaidan, particularly when it came to her well being, it seemed. “Are you okay?”

She knew better than to try and sugarcoat things. She wasn’t the type and he wouldn’t believe her anyway. “I feel like death,” Shepard croaked. The initial shock of pain had slowed her down, but it wasn’t going to stop her. “But I’m moving.”


	2. Part 2

She swallowed hard and pressed on, trying to calm her shaking hands and keep her wits about her. She’d seen a lot of death in her day, but this was overwhelming, particularly when she felt so close to the end herself. That was a path she’d taken once before and she knew the signs. The look and stench and feel of the carnage all around her made her queasy, though that also could have been the loss of blood.

“It’s dark,” she began, trying to keep her voice even and controlled so that Kaidan wouldn’t worry. She didn’t want him doing anything drastic or dangerous to try and find her. “There’s human remains scattered.”

“Sounds about right,” he responded. Even in this terrible situation, it was soothing to hear his voice. “What’s that thing that Joker says? That he’d follow you to hell? I’m pretty sure I just did. I’m in a dark hallway. It sort of reminds me of your description of the Collector base.”

Breathing was hard. Still, Shepard worked to keep it together as best she could. “Makes sense.”

“You think they’re making a reaper in here?” Kaidan asked, curiosity and shock subtly twisting his tone. From the sound of it, he hadn’t been able to truly appreciate the description he’d read in her reports from back then. He was obviously coming to understand the depth and horror of it now.

The noises escaping from the back of her throat, the ones that signaled shock and agony and struggle couldn’t be stopped now, but she tried to put on a strong front. It was the only thing she knew how to do. “Sure. They round them up on earth, and send the people up here to be processed.”

“That’s… wow,” Kaidan whispered, seemingly unable to find the right words. “That’s sick. I never imagined… Well, I’m going to keep moving. There’s got to be a way to stop this.” She had to respect his courage and drive to protect people even while he was looking at the carnage the reapers could cause. He sounded tired. He sounded like he might have been injured, too. Not surprising, given what they’d just fought through to get this far. Shepard’s heart sank at the realization that he might be in just as bad a condition as she was at the moment. Or worse. He was too good for this fate.

Slow, clumsy steps carried the commander forward, though it was hard to keep moving when she didn’t know where she was going. The only thing she recognized in this entire mess was the presence of the keepers. They dutifully worked in the midst of the gore as though it was simply another day. Now Shepard realized that perhaps it was. They’d likely been put in this place for exactly this sort of insanity.

“I don’t think this hallway goes on forever, but... where are we?” Kaidan seemed to be talking to himself as much as he was talking to her, but Shepard appreciated it nonetheless. As long as he was talking, she knew he was okay.

“Yeah,” her answer came out nearly as a groan. “Doesn’t look like any part of the Citadel I’ve been to.” Despite her ongoing effort to figure out where she was, where she needed to go, and what she needed to do, her thoughts were hazy and scattered at best. All she knew was that she wanted Kaidan to be happy and healthy in a safe place far from here. It didn’t look like that was going to happen, but she appreciated being able to hear him as she wandered aimlessly to her demise.

“Whoa!”

“Kaidan?”

“One of the walls here just… moved. It realigned itself. No wonder I’m lost.”

Despite it all, the pain and danger she was in, the grisly reality of what the reapers could do, and the uncertainty she felt in finishing all of this, she faintly smiled. Kaidan was determined enough for them both, and continued to unknowingly reminded her of why she needed to keep going. Even now he could make her laugh. Well, he would have succeeded if it hadn’t hurt so much to do so, anyway.

“There’s a chasm here… and more hallways like the one I was in.”

Shepard shook her head. He’d landed in a hall filled with corpses and so had she. How many were there? Even in her hazy state of mind, she knew that the number of corpses piled in this place was beyond staggering. The sickening thought was interrupted by the mechanical hum of a door shifting nearby. “I think I’m near an exit.”

She hobbled forward into the light, foreboding and unfamiliar as it was, and passed a few more corpses. These ones, though, had been altered. They were human in shape, but husk-like in appearance. They stank of Cerberus and reapers and Shepard couldn’t do much more than ignore the image of them that was threatening to sear itself into her mind.

“I see something up ahead. It might be a way to cross over.” He sounded curious and determined.

“Don’t get too far ahead of me,” Shepard answered. She was suddenly very fearful of what he might encounter and how her poor condition would limit what she could do to help. The speed of her steps increased, though it was difficult to ignore the distractions of this strange place and the aching of her own body. Her progress continued to be frustratingly slow.

“Where do you think you are?” She could hear the concern in his tone. Under normal circumstances, she would have caught up with him in no time. He might have caught on to the fact that she wasn’t exactly in fighting shape anymore.

“Just found that chasm you were talking about,” she responded. This place was remarkable and terrifying. It just didn’t make sense how this all could have been hidden on the Citadel, the center of galactic civilization, and no one had noticed. The more she thought about it, the more inevitable this all felt. This was a war that wasn’t meant to be won.

“Hold on.... I see something. A control panel, maybe.” Strange though it might have seemed for any control panel to be available without a keeper standing dutifully and mindlessly nearby, she hoped he was right. If he could get there and somehow open the arms of the Citadel to allow the Crucible access, then this would all have been worth it and she could just… rest. “I’m just going to go on and check--”

The static that followed his transmission terrified her. If Kaidan was moving out of range or was attacked, she wouldn’t be able to find him. She’d never forgive herself if he died here alone on her watch.

“Kaidan?”

Nothing.

“Damn it!” She was so frustrated at the situation, at her injured, uncooperative body, and at her inability to see the solution here. They’d done so much work, lost so many comrades, and still she felt like she didn’t know how any of this was supposed to work. Now Kaidan was wrapped up in the center of it all and she could do nothing to help him.

Shepard made her way to an impossibly tall ramp. She didn’t know where it would take her, but it sounded like the journey that Kaidan had already made moments before. She sighed to herself as she looked up, knowing that she should be able to cross it without thinking twice, but understanding that the climb was going to take a lot out of her in her current state. Still she pressed on, hoping that she could find Kaidan alive somewhere at the top.

The light threatened to blind her as she finally, finally reached the pinnacle, but her eyes focused on a shadow in the distance. She recognized that silhouette anywhere. He had survived. He was alive. He had indeed found some sort of control panel and was diligently focused on it while she dragged herself forward to meet him.

She wanted to throw her arms around him and show how thankful she was that he was okay, that they’d both somehow made it through a nightmare. If he could get the arms to open, then she could curl up next to him and sleep for ages, finally at peace.

Her brow furrowed as she moved in closer. Kaidan hunched awkwardly, leaning heavily on the panel as though he was injured. Fear clutched her heart again as she watched, unable to close the distance as quickly as she wanted.

“Kaidan,” she called, trepidation and exhaustion evident in her tone.

He turned, though the movements were clumsy and strange, like he wasn’t in control of his own body. He seemed mostly unharmed, but she wondered if he was truly himself. His eyes, first wide with confusion, quickly locked on her and scanned over her hampered body. His expression changed to one of determination as he waged some sort of internal war.

“Shepard… I can’t…”

Move? Fight? Continue? The commander tried to understand what was happening, but her mind was not nearly as sharp and quick as it usually was. Normally, she could read Kaidan with ease, but she couldn’t quite understand what he was trying to say. That is, until a few words emanated from behind her.

“I underestimated you, Shepard.”

The Illusive Man’s voice never failed to make her cringe.


	3. Part 3

A look of disappointment and fear crossed Shepard’s features for a moment, particularly when she saw Kaidan’s eyes flash with anger. That voice didn’t sound quite the same and it was moving as words were spoken. No, it was not the typical, distant hologram of a madman armed with paranoia and copious amounts of money. He was right here. Right now. The chance to shoot the Illusive Man in the face for all he’d done was upon her.

That desire, however, was stalled as her body tensed beyond her control. She tried to tell her limbs to move, but they resisted, muscles tightening painfully in protest. Now she understood why Kaidan had frozen only moments ago, and it was one of the most horrifying things she’d ever experienced. She was completely powerless to defend herself or the man she loved, and she was at the mercy of a psychopath.

“What have--” was all she could croak before her body seized and nearly threatened to suffocate her.

“I warned you. Control is the means to survival. Control of the reapers… and of you, if necessary.”

As he moved around her to look her in the eye, she realized just how beyond hope he really was. He looked much like a husk himself, with dark markings and hints of circuitry and implants visible just under his skin. If she’d ever known him to be in his right mind in the first place, he couldn’t possibly have been there now. She’d seen this before. Saren had been the same way.

Kaidan growled in defiance, and Shepard knew he was fighting hard to free himself. A glimmer of blue swept over his eyes, and the commander could do nothing else but attempt to brace herself for an inevitable surge of his biotics any moment. “They’re controlling you.”

“I don’t think so, Major,” the Illusive Man responded, clearly unconcerned with his proximity to the biotic.

The blast never came. Shepard realized that it was possible that if their bodies could be controlled, then the implants likely could be as well. With just a thought, the Illusive Man could suppress Kaidan’s amp or stop her heart. She had to think fast before he realized it, too. The drive to keep the enemy’s focus on her to distract him from Kaidan was strong, so she spoke up, vaguely hoping that he could somehow still be swayed.

“Controlling me is a lot different than controlling a reaper.”

“Have a little faith,” he answered. She’d never wanted to punch him so hard before in her life. “When humanity discovered the mass relays, when we learned that there was more to the galaxy than we imagined, there were some who thought the relays should be destroyed. They were scared of what we’d find. Terrified of what we might let in.”

The Illusive Man walked around with ease, all while Shepard’s gaze shifted desperately between him and Kaidan. The Alliance soldiers were suspended helplessly by invisible strings while the madman continued his monologue. She, however, knew that time was running out. She wanted to act tough, to avoid giving away the fact that she’d grown desperate to finish this nightmare and get Kaidan out of it alive. She felt cold and numbness creeping in on her fingers and toes, and she didn’t think that had anything to do with her capture. It wasn’t going to be long before she would be too far gone to end this.

“But look at what humanity has achieved! Since that discovery, we’ve advanced more than the past ten-thousand years combined. And the reapers will do the same for us again. A thousand fold. But…”

He paused. Shepard felt her muscles tighten all over again, but this time a searing pain shot through her skull to accompany it. Try as she might to fight it, she was being forcefully pulled up and into position. Her arm lifted of its own accord, raising the gun still tight in her grip, aimed directly at Kaidan.

“...only if we can harness their ability to control.”

Shepard’s eyes widened in horror as she struggled to defy the unknown orders of her enemy. She was desperate to lower her arm or loosen her fingers to drop the gun, but she was unable to budge, save for a small, barely perceptible shake of her head. She couldn’t handle looking at the love of her life down the barrel of a gun. No, not again.

Kaidan, in turn, raised an arm of his own, though there was no telling if he’d directed that movement himself. Seeing as his eyes had locked on the Illusive Man, however, the defensive posture was likely just a bit of demented drama for the entertainment of the enemy. “No,” he huffed. The strain in his voice suggested that he was still very much fighting for control over himself. “We destroy them or they destroy us.”

“And waste this opportunity? Never.” The Illusive Man sounded absolutely disgusted by the proposition.

Shepard recognized that he was already indoctrinated and unable to think for himself anymore. She saw flashes of Saren and of Matriarch Benezia just before they, too, had died… just before they somehow realized that they’d become the pawn of the reapers. Back then there wasn’t so much injury, exhaustion, and confusion plaguing her every action, but it was possible that she could bring about some clarity for him before he killed them both. “You’re playing with things you don’t understand. With power you shouldn’t be able to use.”

“I… don’t believe that.” The commander knew she had a chance when she heard that subtle pause. The tiniest of doubts caused a waiver in his voice as he spoke the words. Kaidan’s eyes, still flashing blue, were locked on him as he spoke. “If we can control it, why shouldn’t it be ours?”

“Because we’re not ready,” Shepard snapped. It might have been foolish to provoke an enemy that had a complete advantage over her, but if it meant that she would suffer instead of Kaidan, then it was worth the risk. If she could get him to react, he might see sense or she might be given just enough of a chance to drop the gun. Maybe Kaidan could regain himself just enough to blast him straight off of the Citadel.

“No,” he replied, this time he was calm and collected, as though he’d been reigned back into place after a half-second of doubt. “This is the way humanity must evolve.”

Kaidan shook his head. He was still fighting with all of his might. “There’s always another way.” He turned his gaze back to her and she knew even without words that he was going to figure out a way to break free. He wasn’t going to give up.

“I’ve dedicated my life to understanding the reapers, and I know with certainty: the Crucible will allow me to control them.” The Illusive man spoke with the same misguided assurance that Saren had years ago. Shepard could hardly believe that she was faced with the same problem all over again. The reapers were relentless.

“And then what?” Shepard hissed the words, a product of partially trying to annoy him and partially trying to cope with her pain. She poured everything she had into trying to move the gun. Just a few inches. If only she had the strength to drop the one constant familiar since this entire mess began. She was a soldier. She could control a gun.

“Look at the power they wield! Look at what they can do!” Shepard would have marveled at the Illusive Man’s ability to convince himself of insanity, but the moment he brought up his fist to punctuate his point, a complete nightmare unfolded before her eyes.

Resist as she might, she was unable to turn or drop the gun. As his fingers clenched, hers did, too, and a shot that would haunt her for the rest of her life rang out in the quiet of the Citadel. A noise that was some strange mix of gasping and shrieking tore from her throat as Kaidan hunched forward. Shepard had experienced enough on the battlefield to know that she’d just delivered a deathblow to the man she loved. Numb and pained and controlled as she was, she clearly felt her heart and mind shatter in unison.


	4. Part 4

Shepard’s head dipped downward, barely able to comprehend the torment stirring inside her at that moment. Heartbreak and guilt clawed at her when she finally lifted her gaze to the damage she’d caused. Kaidan hadn’t done or said anything. Somehow it seemed like it would be easier if he’d lashed out at her, gotten angry, told her that he hated her. He simply looked at her with an unbearably gentle, compassionate expression written in his features. She understood, and it hurt more than the gaping wound in her side. He’d already forgiven her.

Seeing such a good person fall to the whims of a madman fueled flames of anger and hatred, but also some small amount of pity. No one claiming to have the best interests of humanity at heart would cause the death of a pioneer soldier, after all. He was not in control of himself, let alone the reapers. That didn’t change the fact that Shepard had decided that of the three of them, the Illusive Man would most certainly die first.

“I see what they did to you,” she spat, trying to ignore the cracking of her own voice as she watched darkness bloom through Kaidan’s clothing and shattered armor. If she was going to have a chance to save him, she was going to have to stop this madness as soon as possible.

“I took what I wanted from them! Made it my own!” Shepard desperately tried to drop the gun as he continued spouting his delusions aloud. She couldn’t let him force her to shoot again. “This isn’t about me or you. It’s about things so much bigger than all of us.”

“He’s wrong. Don’t listen to him,” Kaidan growled. That tender look in his eyes, the one he seemed to reserve for her, vanished when he turned his gaze upon their enemy. He radiated defiance and strength and righteous anger, and Shepard had never been more in awe of him than she was at that moment. Here at the end. Even as he stood there dying by her hand, he was trying to to help her navigate this mess.

“And who will you listen to, Shepard? An outdated biotic whose sanity is barely held together with some eezo and misplaced optimism? And what if he’s wrong? What if controlling the reapers is the answer?”

Had she been able to, she would have closed the distance between them and wrapped her hands around his throat until he stopped moving. As it was, however, she was completely at his mercy, unable to move or help Kaidan or do anything to make this all stop. Shepard had always considered herself a woman of action, but now she needed to depend on her mediocre skills of debate. It was all she could do. “If we destroy the reapers, this ends today. But if you can’t control them…”

“But I can,” the Illusive Man bellowed, clearly more convinced of the logic than anyone else in existence. The longer this all stretched on, the more the darkness crept across his skin and the more the circuits in his face glowed, making him look increasingly detached from the humanity he claimed to want to save. It was clear to her that the reapers were tightening their hold on him. He didn’t even realize it.

“Are you willing to bet humanity’s existence on it?” Shepard knew, even in her broken, helpless state, that what happened here would ripple across the galaxy. He might not have understood it, but she could see the parallels between the end of humanity and the end of the protheans. She’d been witnessing it repeatedly, unable to fully translate the images flashing through her mind into words, for years. At long last, after countless struggles, she understood the message she’d mistakenly received from the beacon on Eden Prime.

“I know it will work.” He hunched forward, bringing his hands up to his head as though he was struggling to utter the statement. The Illusive Man was cracking, and if she had any intention of ending this the right way, she was going to have to ignore her pain, Kaidan’s suffering, and take advantage of the opening.

“You can’t, can you? They won’t let you do it.” Saren and Benezia had done the same thing. She could appreciate the Illusive Man’s willingness to make hard choices for the benefit of humanity, that his good intentions were still there despite countless bad decisions, but he’d lost his way long ago. There was nothing left to do but correct the error before it affected them all.

“No. I’m in control. No one is telling me what to do…” He was yelling now, though he didn’t seem to notice. It was a habit she’d seen in people who were trying to convince themselves of what they were saying just as much as they were trying to convince others. It still didn’t work.

“Listen to yourself,” Kaidan hissed. He stood tall and proud, despite being in obvious pain. Shepard suspected that he would have done that to give the illusion that he was okay even if he wasn’t under someone else’s control. The subtle furrow in his brow hinted at his immense discomfort, but he was still entirely focused on the discussion at hand. He still wanted this to end the right way, the way they had all planned what felt like ages ago. “You’re indoctrinated.”

“No,” the Illusive Man barked. “No! The two of you, so self-righteous. Do you think power like this comes easy? There are sacrifices…”

“You’ve sacrificed too much,” Shepard responded. Given all that she, herself, had sacrificed -and continued to- in this war with the reapers, she couldn’t even begin to imagine what he’d offered up to get this far. It might have made her sick if her current physical and emotional misery weren’t consuming her senses at that moment.

“Shepard, I… I only wanted to protect humanity. The Crucible can control them. I know it can. I just…” His voice trembled. He sounded suddenly unsure. He sounded human.

Even as he inched closer to Kaidan to look at the control panel and her body tensed in reaction, feebly trying to break free and protect the man she loved, she took a deep breath and readjusted her tone. “It’s not too late.” Her voice was soothing, emanating understanding. “Let us go. We’ll do the rest.”

“I… can’t do that, Commander.” Shepard felt her broken heart drop to her toes. She couldn’t break free of his hold, of the reapers’ hold. She’d tried her best to get through and speak to the human hidden somewhere in that indoctrinated, husk-like monster, but apparently to no avail. Time was running out. She and Kaidan were going to die here just inches away from their goal.

“Of course you can’t. They own you now,” Kaidan observed. The exhaustion in his voice was overpowered by the anger, and Shepard hung on his words, just in case they were the last she’d hear.

Every muscle in Shepard’s body coiled and pushed against the hold of her captor as he stepped up just behind Kaidan’s left shoulder. He was doing something behind his back there, and Shepard was terrified of what it might be. If he killed Kaidan right in front of her in this miserable place, she would work until her last breath to make sure that he paid for it in the most agonizing ways possible. There would be no sense. No forgiveness. He would pay.

She heard the all too familiar click of a gun being loaded and prepared for firing before the Illusive Man spoke again. “You… you’d undo everything I’ve accomplished. I won’t let that happen.”

Shepard grunted and grimaced, though her body did not respond. She put everything she had into fighting the hold on her before he used Kaidan’s gun to kill one or both of them, but nothing came of her defiance. There was so much fear and anger and desperation swirling in her mind, but miraculously, she continued talking. Her voice was her only weapon. “Because of you, humanity is already undone.”

He waved his hands, gun included, as he nearly screamed, “that’s not true!”

“They have the Citadel,” she spat, hating every moment of this horrifying ordeal. She was brought back to life for this, she realized. Her destiny was to be tormented until she could fix the galaxy. She knew, as blood continued to dribble down her left leg, that she wouldn’t get to benefit from the work she’d done all this time, either. She just had to be sure it all culminated the right way. “They’ve got us fighting each other instead of fighting them.”

“I just need to…” He was pacing now, voice strained and confusion clearly written in his barely-human features.

“You’ve done exactly what the reapers wanted. You’re still doing it because they control you.” Shepard had no patience now. She wasn’t going to mince words. Her impatience and hatred of the reapers’ influence was bleeding into her tone.

“I…” He shook his head, lifting his hands as he struggled. “They’re too strong.”

“You’re stronger,” she answered. She had to believe it or else they were all doomed. “Don’t let them win. Break their hold. Don’t let them control you.” Saren had been a strong, clever Spectre once. All she could do was hope that somewhere in there, an intelligent mind might respond and see with clarity for just a moment. It had worked with Saren. She had to trust that it could happen again.

“I tried, Shepard,” he admitted as he held the gun aloft and took a long hard look at it. A lump formed in her throat, knowing that he was going to kill them and get his way. All she could do was shake her head, accept the inevitable, and brace herself for the end. She hoped it would be quick.

The Illusive Man took aim, though it was at the side of his head rather than at either Shepard or Kaidan. Something in her wanted to tell him to stop, to figure out another way that wouldn’t result in yet another pointless death. This time, however, if he didn’t take control of himself before the reapers re-assumed it, then it would never end. He was doing what was best for humanity at last.


	5. Part 5

A shot echoed against the enclosed Citadel walls for many long moments after the Illusive Man tipped sideways and landed, still, on the floor. Shepard’s relief over clearing the final hurdle was ignored in favor of clumsily stumbling towards Kaidan. He crumpled forward, but managed to hold up a hand to her to stop her progress. “The arms.”

Despite her trepidation at seeing him in such a state, she was aware and logical enough to understand what he meant. She needed to open the arms of the Citadel and complete the task they’d come here to handle. At last. Their part in this war was over. She moved to the console and began typing and she realized that at least their final minutes would be relatively peaceful. It wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it was something.

Shepard leaned heavily on that console as she watched blinding light break through the space that the opening arms of the Citadel had revealed. She stood there for a moment, watching it widen as though she was afraid that it would somehow glitch or fail and that she’d have to do yet another agonizing task to make this far-fetched plan succeed. She knew, though, that she simply didn’t have it in her. Not anymore. This had to work or they were all out of options.

Her brow furrowed as explosions blossomed in her now widened field of vision. With the Citadel open, she had a front row seat for the carnage happening just above Earth’s surface. It looked like Palaven. Like Thessia. Like Tuchanka. Like so many worlds she’d already seen on the brink of destruction. All of that work she’d done to unite the galaxy races against a common foe culminated right here. Somehow, it was horrifying and beautiful all at the same time.

She could hear Admiral Hackett’s voice, anxiously directing the docking of the Crucible to the newly opened Citadel. Some part of her wanted to witness this massive project as it made its final approach, but she couldn’t bring herself to care about it any longer. As many updates and schematics as she’d seen, her heart and mind were in a far different place now… and that shift was punctuated by a soft groan from behind her.

Pushing herself off of the console, Shepard straightened and returned to Kaidan, who had managed to haul himself up into a sitting position. She thought he might have taken a moment to observe the strangely quiet chaos now revealed beyond the Citadel, but his golden-brown gaze was locked firmly on her. Even his own condition didn’t stop his medic training from kicking in, as his eyes moved from injury to injury, but mostly he focused on her face. His lips even curled into a subtle smile despite it all as she approached.

Only when Shepard painfully crouched and practically tumbled into a seated position beside him did his eyes move away to the expanse of the war occurring all around them.

“Big place,” he said, with that same amount of wonder he’d managed to use the very first time they’d visited the Citadel years ago.

Shepard couldn’t help but laugh, though there was a little hissing mixed in at the pain that the motion caused.

“Sorry,” he offered with a lopsided grin.

“No,” Shepard responded, her own smile suddenly fading away. She turned slightly to look at him and the damage she’d caused. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Kaidan.”

He subtly shook his head and reached for her hand. There was every bit of warmth, sincerity, forgiveness, and love in his eyes as he smiled, weaving his fingers between hers. “You have nothing to apologize for. You did everything right, Shepard.”

It hurt more than the wound steadily bleeding from her side to hear that she’d done everything right from the one person she trusted above all others, and to know that he was still going to be taken from her regardless. She couldn’t stop it. This was their fate. After all was said and done, she wanted to be selfish and keep what little happiness she had. But she couldn’t. She could feel her happiness and composure slipping through her fingers, but her only option was to savor what little time she had left with the man she loved. She squeezed his hand. “We did it.”

“Yeah,” he responded with a satisfied sigh. “We did.”

There were a thousand things she wanted to say, but exhaustion and shame and heartbreak were stealing the words from her mouth and thoughts from her mind. She inched closer to Kaidan, savoring the warmth of his skin and reveling in his innate strength for as long as she could.

“Quite the view,” he observed as his gaze scanned the skies. She knew that he was watching Earth crumble and thinking about his home and family.

When Shepard opened her mouth to respond, she realized just how hard it was becoming to breathe. Somehow that small fact gave her comfort. If Kaidan was going to die here, she at least wouldn’t have to go long without him. She felt renewed pity and crippling sadness for the time he’d spent alone after Alchera. She wished all over again that she could have somehow taken that pain away. She rested her head on his shoulder, her arm fully intertwining with his as a single tear slid down her cheek and onto his uniform. “Best seats in the house.”

“This isn’t really what I had in mind for our next date night on the Citadel,” he admitted, leaning his head atop hers. “But at least it’s peaceful.”

Shepard couldn’t find the words to respond. Her heart was broken over the damage she’d caused and everything hurt. She’d never been trained for ‘what to do when you and the love of your life are dying and beyond the reach of help while your homeworld explodes before your eyes,’ and so, with no training to lean on, she crumbled.

“Come on, Shepard, talk to me,” he said as he squeezed her hand. “Give an old medic something to work with, here.”

“What?” Her voice was hoarse and strangled with unshed tears.

“If you’re talking, then I know you’re alive,” Kaidan explained. A smile tugged at her lips when she recognized it was the same logic she’d used as they’d wandered through the dark depths of the Citadel to find this place. He’d kept talking over the comms, and that’s how she’d known he was alive and relatively fine. “It’s been a long time since we just… relaxed.”

“I think you earned a rest,” she whispered, failing utterly at keeping her emotions under control.

He huffed a small laugh at her words. His head dipped awkwardly and didn’t pop back up again as she expected.

“Stay with me,” she pleaded. Her gaze drifted instinctively to her omni tool, or rather where it should have been. Medigel, a distress signal, anything would have been a few taps away… had it not been obliterated by a reaper blast. Once again, words were all she could offer as encouragement. “We’re almost through this.”

Kaidan’s head lifted again, and with it, her hopes. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, you know. No regrets. And… you did so well. I’m…I’m so proud of you. I love you so much.”

Shepard’s eyes shut tight as she tried to convince herself that he wasn’t saying goodbye. She thought she was ready for this, but she realized suddenly that she was not. Not at all. She couldn’t muster the energy to kiss him or hug him or do anything that she normally would, so she squeezed his hand, and he responded in turn. “I love you, too. Always.”

She felt his head dip again and his hand slowly relaxed, much to her horror. She knew instinctively that something had changed, that he hadn’t just slipped into sleep.

“Kaidan?”

He wasn’t talking. He wasn’t okay.

“Kaidan?” Her hoarse whisper betrayed her devastation. She couldn’t bring herself to move or to look at him. She wanted to remember his warm, encouraging gaze and his sweet smile, not the battered mess she’d made him here on the Citadel. Wherever he’d gone, he’d taken her heart with him. She wanted to sob, but her body wouldn’t allow it. She simply curled further into him and whimpered her heartbreak feebly into his shoulder, hoping that a quick end would stop her pain, too.

All of Shepard’s drive to survive had left her. The hand that had been applying steady pressure to the wound at her side found a more important purpose in wrapping around Kaidan’s opposite shoulder and pulling him close. She’d experienced so much death in this war, even her own. But none of it hurt quite like this one.

Shepard might have been able to be saved, to be found and hauled in to a hospital somehow, somewhere, to continue to do good work for the benefit of others onward into the future. Now, she really didn’t care about any of that. Happiness and hope had been taken from her and she was paralyzed with fear and pain and despair.

As darkness crept in on the periphery of her vision, she realized that the reapers didn’t matter anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard’s eyes had only just closed when her body twitched in reaction to a sound. Her name. She wanted to fall into blissful numbness more than she could put into words, where her trauma could be forgotten in sleep, even if only for a little while. Her training, however, kicked in beyond her control. She was being called by Admiral Hackett, and though she would have preferred to ignore it, she stirred.

Instinct told her to get to her feet, though that was much easier said than done. “I… What do you need me to do?”

Shepard rolled to the side to get the blood flowing to her legs again. Most of it was spilled on the ground and on her clothes now, she realized, but she was trying anyway. She had never been one to give up, even when physically and emotionally broken, it seemed. Shifting into a crawl, she tried desperately to get her feet underneath her, though all she managed to do was topple to the side and slip in the slickness of her own blood.

“Nothing’s happening. The Crucible’s not firing,” Hackett answered.

The commander lifted her head just enough to see that the control panel seemed so insurmountably far away. She wasn’t sure she could make it. At the same time, she desperately tried to avoid casting her terrified gaze in the direction of the familiar, eerily still figure nearby, knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to handle or accept seeing Kaidan now. Dead. She’d seen a lot of things in her life. No gory, horrifying, mutilated, sickening sight could break her like that one could. Knowing it was true was one thing. Living in the aftermath was another.

“It’s got to be something on your end,” Hackett added.

As Shepard squirmed on her side, digging her nails into the floor and trying to find purchase somehow to get to the control panel, she wanted to scream. She wanted to tell Hackett that it didn’t matter anymore, that the Crucible had been an inane solution to start with and that they’d already failed. She’d already failed. She wanted to just go to sleep, to die in misery all alone in some far-flung corner of the Citadel where the keepers would just sweep her corpse away without a trace.

Somehow, her arms kept pulling her upwards. Her muscles coiled and pushed forward. She crawled as though something or someone else was willing her to move. Maybe it was the drive of humanity, of thousands of lives lost along the way and the souls refusing to allow their deaths to be in vain now. She could hardly believe she’d made it so far with her limbs shaking as they were and her vision blurring more with each passing second.

“Commander Shepard!” The admiral was growing impatient, concerned.

Shepard stared down at the floor, unable to muster the strength to lift her head again, but her limbs kept moving. Slick though her hands were with blood, and as injured as she was from what was, without a doubt, the worst day of her life, she moved forward. It was a surprise even to her until she realized what it was that was truly driving her onward despite her deep desire to stop.

Kaidan.

He had always been her strength, her soft place to land. Even when she couldn’t see him, she felt that he was there, and that realization gave her a small amount of desperately-needed peace and clarity. With renewed purpose, her arm lifted. She didn’t have to stand at the panel to be able to use it, after all. It was just a matter of pressing the controls. She reached out, though her vision and muscle coordination had already begun to fail.

“I don’t see-- I’m not sure how to…” Confusion and exhaustion hung heavy in her words as she leaned up and forward, trying to locate the place where her blood-covered fingers needed to be. Was there some sort of giant red ‘FIRE’ button that she needed to hit? Was this as far as the protheans had come in the war with the reapers? Building an insane weapon and being unable to activate it just as she was?

Shepard hadn’t met a gun yet that she couldn’t master, and that certainly wasn’t about to change today. She had to do it for humanity. For herself. For Kaidan.

She reached. She stretched. She didn’t even realize that the effort had fallen apart when her head hit the floor.

___

“Wake up.”

It wasn’t a familiar voice. It sounded… like a child?

Shepard’s eyes snapped open and she rose to stand. There was no telling how she was able to do it after her entire body had failed when she’d tried to reach the control panel. How long had she been out? Where was she now? Who was this ethereal child and why did it look like the one she’d been chasing in her dreams for what felt like ages?

The childlike entity began to talk, to explain what was going on with the reapers. Shepard had a very difficult time wrapping her exhausted mind around it all. None of it really made sense, but the child, the Catalyst, apparently, was very adamant and knowledgeable about the inner-workings of the reapers. She had no choice but to listen. It all seemed so far-fetched and strange, but at the same time, Shepard wasn’t about to pass up the chance to end the war somehow. She’d come too far and lost too much to walk away now.

Suddenly, the choice was hers. She wearily glanced to her left, vaguely annoyed that the Illusive Man had been correct after all. The Crucible could enable control of the reapers. To her right, she affirmed that she and Anderson had been correct, too. The Crucible could destroy the reapers and end their threat for good. She hobbled forward. Directly in front of her, there was the option to combine synthetics and organics to attain some sort of ultimate understanding. It didn’t seem possible, and suddenly Shepard wasn’t sure which choice to make and why it had all settled on her shoulders. The future -everyone’s future- depended on her right now and it was mind-boggling.

Shepard closed her eyes. She could feel tears burning, but she’d been too heavily injured and traumatized for them to actually take form and fall. Taking as deep a breath as she could possibly muster, she thought of the future. It was clear to her that it wasn’t a place where she belonged, but she had plenty of others to consider in her final act.

If she took control of the reapers, she’d really be no better than the Illusive Man. He likely had good intentions initially, as did she, but it was so risky. What if she couldn’t control them correctly? If the weaknesses in her own personality transferred into the reapers as deadly errors? She might be able to pull the reapers back and turn them to the service of the organics rather than the destroyers of organics, but she knew they’d never really be trusted. They’d be rightfully kept at a distance, dismantled, and feared for the role they’d already played here. She could already see the hatred and trepidation in everyone’s eyes at the continued existence of walking nightmares that no one but her understood.

Sacrificing herself to meld organic and synthetic together seemed so far-fetched, she couldn’t really see how it would work. The Crucible did indeed carry a lot of power, but was it enough to change the chemical makeup in all things? Would anyone even want that? Shepard had had endless talks with Tali and Legion. Both were perfectly content or even happy to be what they were, and she couldn’t imagine changing them without their consent. EDI and Joker. What made them work was their ability to learn from one another. Would they be happy being the same? Without the power to make that choice for themselves? The child said that the change couldn’t be forced, but it felt like that was exactly what she was being pushed to do.

Warmth spread across her back and into her arm. It wasn’t an alarming sensation, but rather an immensely comforting one, as though someone very familiar was standing behind her, guiding her steps. Shepard missed him so very much already. Another odd feeling meandered down her cheek and she realized what it was when she finally opened her eyes. The tears had begun to flow at last. They blurred her vision slightly, but she could see her arm outstretched as she stepped forward. To the right. She could feel Kaidan’s presence, his steadying stance stilling her shaking hand on the gun. They’d all worked so hard for this chance. Control wasn’t enough. Synthesis was too much. Destroying the reapers at least gave them enough future to decide for themselves where it would go from here, without the threat of a Cycle. They could make repairs. Rebuild. Live with the consequences of their own actions without fear of the return of monsters bent on harvesting them for some falsely ‘higher’ purpose.

Was it the right choice? Shepard had no idea. She wouldn’t be around to deal with the consequences, but she hoped that perhaps, someday, those she was leaving behind would understand. She fired the gun, her grip no longer faltering or timidly aimed. This Cycle was unlike all others. People this time around had a chance to advance, to retain the knowledge uncovered from the protheans and combine it with what they discovered on their own. If synthetics and organics could be blended for ultimate peace, they would figure out how it could be done and choose for themselves whether that was something they wanted to do. It wouldn’t be forced. For once, Shepard knew that everything was going to be okay.

The noise and heat and light of the explosion were disorienting, but not entirely unwelcome. Shepard had always wondered if she’d go out with a bang. Here it was, swallowing her whole because she simply wasn’t fast enough to move out of the way or protect herself. Not this time. Even while being blasted off of her feet and consumed in searing fire, she was content.

Everything was going to be okay.

_____

 

The burning sensation faded to a tolerable warmth. It was a rather pleasant sensation, actually, Shepard realized before she moved her hands away from her head or opened her eyes. All at once, she recognized that her wounds were no longer causing her pain. She was no longer irreparably exhausted.

“I’ve got you.”

That voice. When she heard it, Shepard was shocked to find that her heart didn’t ache anymore.

When her eyes snapped open, she saw arms wrapped protectively around her body. There was no fire. No Citadel. Nothing but the stars sailing by as though she were in the Normandy enjoying a quiet moment in the observation deck.

“Kaidan?” Her voice was hoarse and heavy with emotion, as though she was afraid that saying his name would make him disappear from this wonderful dream.

“I’m here,” he responded, loosening his grip on her so that she could move and verify his presence for herself.

When Shepard turned, her entire expression shifted in so many unexpected ways. Recognition, relief, happiness, and excitement were all there as she threw her arms around his neck and held him close. A noise akin to astonishment and laughter escaped her lips as she tried to piece together what had happened.

“I’m so proud of you,” he reiterated as he helped her stand.

All at once, the bliss of the moment drained from her expression and her hand drifted downward to his stomach, where she remembered having delivered a death blow under the Illusive Man’s control. She stared with disbelief at his clean clothing and the undamaged skin she could feel beneath it.

Kaidan placed his hand over hers as she tried to reason through it all. “I’m okay. Don’t worry.”

Shepard released a breath she’d been holding and nodded. She pressed her head to his shoulder as she wound her arms around him once more. She’d never been so relieved to see anyone in her life or… death?

Only then did the commander take a moment to assess her location. She and Kaidan weren’t standing on anything. The inky black void of space, illuminated only by countless stars whizzing silently by were all that she saw. She realized as she lifted her head and looked around, that though she saw this sort of expanse just about every day of her adult life, it never failed to amaze or calm her. Still, she didn’t know why or how they were standing there in the midst of it all. “Where are we?”

“I’m… not really sure. I was hoping you’d know,” Kaidan chuckled. “One minute, I was trying to help you with the Catalyst on the Citadel, then suddenly we were here.”

“You were there,” Shepard acknowledged. She’d known it. She’d felt it. She’d hoped it wasn’t simply a figment of her imagination, that she hadn’t simply been losing her sanity like she’d been losing blood.

“I said I’d be with you to the end,” he commented with a broad smile. “Way to kick some reaper ass.”

“It worked?” She was probably more astonished about that possibility than anyone else. From what she’d seen, everyone just assumed that she’d figure it out and make it happen. Somehow, beyond all logic, it had been a success.

“Yeah. It worked.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Shepard smiled, still flabbergasted by the outcome of all that pain. She took a deep breath and reveled in the moment. A brief acknowledgement of victory. She’d done what she’d set out to do and had Kaidan by her side. She’d never really wanted any more than that. Taking a step back, she glanced around. “So now what?”

Kaidan’s grin never faltered. His gaze snapped to the side for a moment before returning to rest on her face, with all the love and happiness she ever known reflected in his eyes. Following his gesture, she finally noticed a small vertical line. A sliver of light that could have gone entirely unnoticed in this stark but beautiful setting. It almost looked to her like a tear in the fabric of reality.

“I saw it earlier, but I wasn’t ready to take a look just yet,” he confessed. Interlacing his fingers with hers, he continued. “I’m ready now.”

“Yeah…” Shepard quietly responded as she stared at the sliver of light. It looked like it was widening, opening further to welcome them. “Me, too.”

“Together?”

“Together.”


End file.
